NINE FEATS, ZERO LESSONS LEARNED
THE ROCK STILL THINKS ABOUT HIM
TOMATOES REMAIN AT LARGE
HISTORIANS DIVIDED, MOSTLY CONCERNED
THE WATERMELON IS STILL DEAD
NINE FEATS, ZERO LESSONS LEARNED
THE ROCK STILL THINKS ABOUT HIM
TOMATOES REMAIN AT LARGE
HISTORIANS DIVIDED, MOSTLY CONCERNED
THE WATERMELON IS STILL DEAD
A Brief History Of Sruly
Key milestones, as remembered by people who were there and wish they
weren’t.
-
Day 1Born. Saluted the doctor. The doctor did not salute back, setting a
lifelong pattern.
-
Age 5Identified a full cup of olive oil as apple juice and raised it to
his lips. Stopped by his brother at the buzzer. Full report in
Incident Reports, Case 2.
-
Age 6Lost hide-and-seek to a mirror. Officially ruled a draw by his
mother.
-
Age 12First confident wrong answer, delivered to a substitute teacher.
The record still stands. He defends it nightly.
-
2019Discovered the front camera. The front camera has been trying to
un-discover him since.
-
The IncidentThe watermelon. We do not discuss the second watermelon.
-
The Fortyhands AffairEighty ounces of beer taped to his hands. Both bottles 0.0%. Zero
suspicion, full performance. Full incident report below.
-
Last MonthSaluted a wet/dry vac in a hardware store. An employee asked if he
needed help. Correct question, wrong department.
-
TodayThis website. His finest achievement, built entirely by someone
else.
-
The FutureDonations, hopefully. A plan, unlikely. More watermelons,
confirmed.
Incident Reports
Filed by eyewitnesses. Sworn before the cat. Disputed by no one,
including him. Two cases are cleared for public release.
Case 1: The Fortyhands Affair
Background. Edward Fortyhands: a ceremony in which
one (1) forty-ounce beer is taped to each hand, and neither hand is
freed until both are empty. Sruly entered with total confidence and
two bottles somebody handed him.
The incident. Both bottles were non-alcoholic. The
labels said 0.0% in letters visible from across the room. Sruly did
not check the labels. Sruly announced he was "feeling it" at ounce
twelve. By ounce forty he was giving a toast to friendship. By ounce
sixty he had challenged the refrigerator to arm wrestle and declared
himself "unwell in a cool way."
Discovery. He drank all eighty ounces. He noticed at
the recycling bin, holding two empty bottles of 0.0% beer, hands
finally free, blood alcohol content also 0.0%, matching the label at
last.
Conclusion. The placebo effect has since retired,
stating it had "reached the top of the profession and there was
nothing left to prove."
Case 2, Cold Case, Age Five: The Olive Oil Juncture
Background. The subject, age five, located a full cup
of olive oil and identified it, with the certainty that would go on to
define his entire career, as apple juice. It was gold. It was in a
cup. His investigation ended there.
The incident. He raised the cup to his lips with both
hands and full commitment. A brother crossed the kitchen in what
family historians still call the finest defensive play of the decade
and stopped the cup at the buzzer. Zero ounces were consumed. It
remains the only time in recorded history that Sruly was stopped
before finishing a beverage.
Subject statement. He maintains, twenty years later,
that he "would have known after one sip."
Conclusion. Refer to Case 1, in which he had eighty
ounces of evidence and knew nothing. Case closed. Cup confiscated.
Brother never thanked.