Privacy Policy
1. What We Collect
Nothing. This is not a principled stance. We simply do not know how. Sruly tried to install analytics once and subscribed the website to a boat newsletter. We now know a great deal about boats and nothing about you.
2. What Sruly Collects
Independently of this website, Sruly collects: novelty hats, watermelon rinds of sentimental value, unread texts from his mom (41 and counting), and participation trophies from events he did not attend. None of these are your data. Some of them are load-bearing.
3. Cookies
This website served cookies once. Sruly ate them in the car on the way here. The banner you may have seen was not a consent mechanism, it was an apology. There is one item in localStorage. It remembers that you said "Fine." So do we.
4. Third Parties
We share your information with the following third parties: his mom (she finds everything out anyway, this clause just formalizes it), the group chat (for verification of facts), and the cat (regulatory requirement, the cat regulates us).
5. Data Security
Our security practices are industry-leading, for an industry of one man in a watermelon. The password to everything is the name of a fruit. This is not a hint. This is a confession. It has two factor authentication: the first factor is the fruit, the second factor is that Sruly forgets the fruit.
6. Data Retention
Any data that somehow reaches us is retained the way Sruly retains information: briefly, incorrectly, and with total confidence. After 30 days it is deleted, or it deletes itself, or it was never written down. Audits have confirmed all three simultaneously.
7. Your Rights
You have the right to be forgotten. Sruly forgets everyone by default, so this right is exercised automatically and immediately, sometimes mid-conversation. You have the right to access your data (scroll up, there is none). You have the right to data portability: screenshot this page and send it back to us, as Sruly would.
8. GDPR And CCPA Compliance
We comply fully with the laws of the produce section. Regarding European and Californian frameworks, our Data Protection Officer has reviewed both and gone back to sleep. We interpret this as compliance. Regulators are welcome to visit. Bring snacks, it improves outcomes.
9. Children’s Privacy
This website is not directed at children, although a child once had to teach Sruly how stairs work, so the direction of guidance here is unclear.
10. Data Breaches
In the event of a data breach, we will notify you within 72 hours, by salute, from a moving vehicle. To date we have had zero breaches, because a breach requires data, and see Section 1.
11. Changes To This Policy
Material changes will be posted here and announced to the room by a man wearing sunglasses indoors, so the room cannot see him looking at it.
12. Contact
Privacy questions may be addressed to the Data Protection Officer during office hours. The Data Protection Officer is a cat. There are no office hours. There is no office. There is, unfortunately, a Sruly.