Verified Skill Assessment

Conducted under laboratory conditions (his kitchen). Results peer-reviewed by the cat.

Confidence110%

Exceeds container. Engineers are concerned.

Fruit-Based Armor Engineering87%

Genuinely impressive. Nobody knows why he has this.

Salute Form64%

Elbow angle wrong, wrist wrong, commitment absolute.

Reading The Room12%

Has never once read the room. Has read the menu twice, ordered wrong both times.

Sense Of Direction3%

Score includes partial credit for eventually being found.

Self-Awareness0%

Sensor returned no data. Sensor has resigned.

Services & Booking

Sruly is now accepting appointments across his ten areas of expertise. Licensing status: pending, in every field, since 2014. Book early. He books himself if you don’t.

Brain Surgeon

$12 per procedure

Self-taught via a show where doctors walk fast. Steady hands, see the watermelon carving. Asks the big questions, like "which part is the brain."

Lawyer

Retainer: one snack

Undefeated. Zero cases. Objects to everything, including the judge’s haircut. Cites the watermelon as precedent. Payment due before the verdict, for reasons that become obvious at the verdict.

Dictator Of Your Country

Quote on request

Small countries preferred. Decrees to date: mandatory snack hour, nationwide tomato ban, GPS abolished. Steps down immediately if his mom calls.

Life Coach

$5 per session

0% plan, 100% follow-through, nobody knows through what. Will believe in you exactly the way he believed in 0.0% beer: completely, and against all evidence.

Non-Alcoholic Beer Sommelier

Tastings from $0.00

The world’s foremost authority. Cannot tell the difference. That is the qualification. Eighty ounces of field research, zero findings.

Watermelon Helmet Fitter

$18 plus fruit

Bespoke. Artisanal. One previous client (himself). The fit was flawless. The decision was not. Ventilation included whether you want it or not.

Tomato Removal Technician

Emergency rates apply

Will not touch it. Will supervise from the next room while you remove it. Certified in pointing. Response time depends on which direction the tomato is facing.

Navigation Consultant

Billed per wrong turn

Sits in the passenger seat and disagrees with the GPS. You will get lost, but with conviction. Photographs available of every previous route.

Wedding Toast Specialist

Books himself

Forty-five minute toasts for any wedding, including ones he was not invited to. Three stories, none about the couple. Bring tissues, mostly for the couple.

Financial Advisor

2% of nothing

Turned $0 into a fully hosted website. Pioneer of the donation-based economy. His entire portfolio is a PayPal link, and it is performing.

Request An Appointment

Fill this out and it lands directly in the inbox of Sruly Industries (his brother, who will read it to him slowly).

By submitting, you accept the Terms, the risks, and the man. No anesthesia is included in any service, including the surgery.